Reluctantly Redundant: Dealing With Losing A Part Of Your Identity And Purpose

Today I woke up involuntarily unemployed.

For the first time in my working life, I don’t have a job and it is such a strange feeling. I thought I would wake up and be excited to not be in a rush for a change. I spend so much time feeling overwhelmed by my work/life load that I was convinced that I would be feeling elated to be able to take my time.

Instead, I feel incredibly uneasy and scared.

I have worked in my previous full-time job for 8 years and almost my entire team were made redundant over the past 6 months, so it was not a massive surprise when my turn came up 4 weeks ago. A part of me actually wanted to be made redundant because things were changing in the industry that were unnerving, good people were leaving and I wasn’t feeling confident in my future development there. It had been a wonderful place to grow professionally and personally, and it had a positive work culture like no other I had experienced, but I thought my time was up and I had been considering leaving anyway.

You’d think then, that I would be relieved and happy to receive a redundancy package – no pressure to instantly find a new job, extra money toward our wedding, extra time with the family, more time for me…

The truth is, I feel empty; like a part of me has died and I don’t know who I am anymore. You don’t appreciate how much a job forms a part of your identity and purpose. Yes, I am still coaching with nutrition and running and taking personal training classes, but that was always on the side and never my 'career', so it hasn’t replaced that sense of belonging to a network of like-minded individuals who make you feel you are contributing to something bigger than yourself each day.

With Bella at school that identity as a mum isn’t as strong as when she was a baby/toddler – she isn’t as reliant on me throughout the day. Today, I actually found myself yearning to have a baby to be looking after – I guess, it comes back to that sense of purpose, but that is not the right reason for me to have another baby.

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So, what is my purpose now?

What do I want to do with my life?

How do I learn to sit within my own self and be still?

I think the last question is the most important skill for me to learn right now. People are constantly saying to me – “Enjoy it! This is a golden opportunity to take some time for you and relax a little bit!” They’re right! When will I ever be afforded this time to take a breath and soak up the little things without financial worry?

The fact that I am so uncomfortable with having some spare time on my hands says to me that I still have work to do on being more accepting with who I am. It makes me realise how much I use 'being busy' to give me that sense of purpose and self-worth. However, 'being busy' has meant I have often lost sight of the little things, so I need to find a way to make peace with my current situation and make the most of it!

Many people would love to be in my shoes right now and may find it difficult to fathom why I am struggling with it, in fact, they may find it offensive and ungrateful that I even discuss my perceived challenges. I can appreciate that. There are friends of mine who have been made redundant and not been in their jobs for so long - creating immense stress and urgency to find new employment straight away. Unlike many, I have been gifted with an incredible opportunity that has many a positive spin on it. So without wanting to cause offense to anyone, I simply wanted to write about my experience of redundancy and reflect on the unnerving emotions it arises, even when there is a silver lining to be seen, and give others the chance to comment and reflect on their own experiences and perhaps some helpful tips for what got them through a potentially challenging time. Even if it was the best time of your life, it would be interesting to hear your thoughts on a topic we don’t often hear discussed!

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5 things I am going to do:

1)     Go back to some yoga and meditation to find that inner calm I have been missing.

2)     Get involved in a few voluntary things at school.

3)     Don’t fill up every day with 'stuff' – do nothing at times and acknowledge that you are allowed to relax. Just 'be' with no apologies.

4)     Work on my own business ideas and take a few risks with these.

5)     Ensure I don’t rush into any job for the sake of working (I am incredibly fortunate that I can in fact have this luxury of time!).

I look forward to reading your comments below 😊